Kitt Kestra

Merry Christmas to any and all who celebrate! Mine was nice. :)

As expected, this last week was very much taken up with holiday prep, and I did not do any writing. I'm not upset about it. I think things are probably going to be pretty fallow in terms of the writing progress, at least through the end of the year.

At the new year... I need to figure out what I want to do. I really haven't done what I hoped to here, and it's 100% on me and my lack of drive to do much. The flurry of energy that led to me creating this account and to really even consider "making a go of" having a penname... really didn't last.

On the one hand, I do enjoy not feeling too perceived!

On the other... part of me just wants to fold everything back into my main online presence, because the divide feels so artificial. It also feels very unnecessary, since I'm not really doing anything with it. I'm not being self-indulgent in a way that feels like "too much" for my main accounts. Some of the content of the writing *could* feel a little like "no, don't look at me!" but also... most of the actual online friendships I have are ones that I do believe could weather someone thinking I'm a bit weird.

So... I'm not completely sure what I want to do with this into the new year. I'm still deciding what I want to do, and whether writing is even going to be a focus for me in 2026. I want it to be, but know that I truly can't focus on everything that I want to; there's just not enough time and energy available. I have to prioritize, and while I've tried (and often failed) to make writing a priority, I don't know if I want to try again, or allow other things to take precedence, and allow writing to be the thing that fills in gaps when I do have the time and energy...

Well, that's more than I meant to go into on what was meant to be a quick "no update to see here" update on Christmas, haha.

Gold and Silver - write down as many of the initial ideas/intentions/tone as I can
Fanfic Project 1 - write down my current ideas/intentions/tone
Rescue - write down my current ideas/intentions/tone
Fanfic Project 2 - write down my current ideas/intentions/tone
Gold and Silver - do an official outline of the project [I AM STILL HERE]
Fanfic Project 1 - do an official outline of the project
Rescue - do an official outline of the project
Gold and Silver - create a shareable introduction to the project
Gold and Silver - first draft time!
Fanfic Project 1 - create a shareable introduction to the project
Fanfic Project 1 - first draft (of part one) time!

After a frustratingly long stretch of really struggling to summon up any will to write, I was suddenly hit with a wave of enthusiasm for it today.

Of course, just a couple weeks ago I was ready to just give up on all that writing stuff altogether. Which is to say, my current excitement may be writing checks my later motivation can't cash!

Even so, thinking about it... this is something I really would like to make a go of. I think I've spent a long time hemming and hawing about really attempting any original work, and some of that is probably fear. That worry of "what if it's never any good?" "what if no one ever likes what I write?" "worse, what if no one has any interest in it at all, no matter how much of my heart I put into it?"

None of that worry has gone away, but if I never actually make the attempt, then is it much different?

There's also this sense that I've always thought of writing as "something I can do later." At this point, and at the speed I (fail to) get things completed, that "later" is never going to happen without actually pushing to do it.

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Who am I, and what do I write?

Kitt Kestra is, as my extremely brief single previous post says, a pen name. I don't want to tie my writing to my real identity at this point, and after a very long time, I did finally find a pen name that I liked the sound of!

I prefer they/them pronouns.

I have a minor history of writing fanfiction (under a different name), though never with any major popularity. But I am capable of finishing stories, just not my original ones, as of yet.

Most of what I'm likely to write would fall under fantasy/romance or sci-fi/romance. I really enjoy horror, but have less drive to write it. Most of what I write focuses on queer relationships, and very often on polyamorous relationships.

I've had several ideas for stories, which I'll try to expand on later. Right now I'm thinking of a few:
- A series of interconnected stories set in a contemporary omegaverse universe
- A few unconnected omegaverse stories that are set in different fantasy universes, but that share a fantasy subgenre and the trope of arranged marriage
- A potential post-apocalyptic omegaverse series (though this is admittedly less fleshed out)
- A series of interconnected contemporary werewolf stories
- Some other non-omegaverse fantasy stories. (These generally focus on a romance as well, but I don't know that they'd fit the "romantasy" genre proper.)

I realize that omegaverse is a divisive trope, but it's one I enjoy! Not sure I enjoy it in the most popular ways (lots of poly relationships with various gender combinations, almost zero pregnancy) but I enjoy it in the way that I enjoy it, lol. Perhaps that will appeal to someone else, too!

I'm not certain if I'd ever be truly looking to publish anything I write. For a very long time I had decided that no, I didn't have any interest in trying. It sounds exhausting, and as hard as it is for me to get things completed as it is, the idea of trying to get things ready to publish is daunting! I'm not in a financial place to consider paying for editing/formatting/cover design/etc., as much as all of those things deserve to be well-compensated, so I'd be looking at needing to do all of those things myself. To say nothing of then having to actually find my platform to sell from, figure out how to do that, then to market it all...

At the same time, I don't want to take the possibility off the table entirely, either. I've long been afraid of the "hobby turns to side-hustle, becomes source of stress and resentment instead of enjoyment" risk, (and that's if it avoids the "hobby turns to attempted side-hustle, goes nowhere, and becomes source of embarrassment" pitfall!) but if I could make something I enjoy into something that brings at least a few bucks in, that certainly wouldn't be a bad thing.

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Now that I really am thinking about trying to make a serious attempt at this, I want to make sure that I'm actually... building a presence. Actually engaging with things instead of just perpetually lurking. Not forgetting that I have accounts because they're out of sight/out of mind.

I also have to actually write. Just no way around that: I have to actually get the things written! Time to dust off some half-finished WIPs, and really try to figure out some outlines for the ones that are still just nebulous ideas, and actually put the time and energy into them.

I'm not sure how to find that time, but if this is ever going to happen, I'm going to have to.

To be clear, I am utterly and completely opposed to genAI. I will not ever use AI to "write" my works for me, even if it means I'm stuck at a snail's pace forever. I will also not use AI to generate covers or things like that, even though I'm not an artist and the idea of having to create a cover for myself is vaguely terrifying.

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I do see some potential pitfalls ahead of me.

The biggest one is, like I said, time. In two different ways.

Time (the big picture): Even if I start today, if I end up wanting to go the self-publishing route in the future, this is a years-long thing. It will take years to get things written, to have things ready to put into a publishable state. (I've long heard that one of the keys to self-pub success is ensuring steady output, so I don't want to just finish one thing and then publish it, and then have nothing else for another year or few. So I'd want to get several things completed, with the potential for more to come. Of course, I've also heard how harshly the algorithm punishes even a prolific human pace, instead favoring output that's impossible for anyone to maintain, so it may be a losing battle regardless.) But by actually deciding to go for it, I'm signing on for something that will be years of work before I could even vaguely consider it a career, or even a side hustle!

I'm hoping that I can make sure that it's rewarding even outside of any sort of potential career goals. If I can enjoy the process of writing, be satisfied when I get things done, hopefully enjoy meeting and talking with other writers, then it'll be worthwhile even if I never end up publishing or making a dime.

Time (the small picture): Daily time management has always been a struggle for me. I never seem to have the time or energy to put toward the things that I enjoy, including writing. I do work a regular 40-hour/week job! Wanting to find a place in the broader writing community has always been something that also fell by the wayside for me, largely because I didn't feel like I had the time or mental wherewithal to devote to it. Wanting to take that on and actually start pushing forward on the actual writing itself... This feels like taking on more than I have hours in the day for.

My intent, as sort of cutthroat as it sounds, is to schedule it. A bit counter to the creative impulse, but if I can try to devote a certain amount of time to both things—the social aspects and the writing aspects—then I hope I can make it a manageable goal.

Burnout: Closely related to the time management problem. As I said at the beginning of this post, just a few weeks ago, I was so miserably burned out on everything that I didn't even want to think about writing. I'd been spinning my wheels, getting nowhere except frustrated for months, and it felt like there was just no point in even trying anymore. I'm not 100% over that feeling, but I at least rediscovered some drive today. Unfortunately... the enthusiastic phase won't last forever. (Though bright side, neither does the burnout, no matter how it feels in the thick of it.) I am a bit concerned that having more to try and fit into my too-scarce free time might send me spiraling back down.

I'm hoping that the idea of scheduling time out of my day will help with this, too. That I can keep these goals from expanding in a way that feels untenable, or that pushes out all the other things I want to do.

Of course, I haven't figured out what that "schedule" looks like, yet! It may be some trial and error before I figure out something that feels reasonable and sustainable.

(Right now I'm hoping I don't wake up tomorrow and go "ugh, what was I thinking? I don't want to do any of that!")